1 00:00:14,458 --> 00:00:15,583 Why didn't you call me? 2 00:00:15,834 --> 00:00:18,083 Ali, what am I supposed to do about Jules? 3 00:00:20,417 --> 00:00:21,709 It's funny. When I think about it, 4 00:00:21,792 --> 00:00:23,500 I still blame Jules for all this shit. 5 00:00:23,583 --> 00:00:25,041 Why? I was clean, 6 00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:27,125 and I was, like, gonna stay clean. 7 00:00:27,208 --> 00:00:29,250 And for the most part, I was pretty happy. 8 00:00:30,667 --> 00:00:32,083 And fucking Jules. 9 00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:34,417 It's like she lied to me, 10 00:00:36,417 --> 00:00:37,709 and, uh, manipulated me. 11 00:00:37,792 --> 00:00:40,125 Talking about how we're gonna be together forever. 12 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,458 And then, she ditched me. 13 00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:43,792 I didn't know that. 14 00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:47,333 Like the whole thing at the train station. 15 00:00:47,417 --> 00:00:49,500 Her trying to get me to run away with her. 16 00:00:50,166 --> 00:00:52,500 Please. I love you. 17 00:00:55,083 --> 00:00:56,959 I didn't think she was actually gonna go. 18 00:00:57,250 --> 00:00:59,500 -You know, like leave me. 19 00:01:16,458 --> 00:01:18,458 So, where do you want to start? 20 00:01:24,750 --> 00:01:26,041 I don't know. 21 00:01:26,125 --> 00:01:28,166 Okay. Why'd you run away? 22 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:44,542 ♪ Baby really hurt me ♪ 23 00:01:44,625 --> 00:01:47,041 ♪ Cryin' in the taxi, he don't wanna know me ♪ 24 00:01:47,125 --> 00:01:51,667 ♪ Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm ♪ 25 00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:55,250 ♪ Says it was poison ♪ 26 00:01:55,333 --> 00:01:57,208 ♪ So I guess I'll go home ♪ 27 00:01:57,291 --> 00:02:00,166 ♪ Into the arms of the girl that I love ♪ 28 00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:03,250 ♪ The only love I haven't screwed up ♪ 29 00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:05,291 ♪ She's so hard to please ♪ 30 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:08,125 ♪ But she's a forest fire ♪ 31 00:02:08,208 --> 00:02:10,625 ♪ I do my best to meet her demands ♪ 32 00:02:10,709 --> 00:02:13,709 ♪ Play at romance, we slow dance in the living room ♪ 33 00:02:13,792 --> 00:02:16,208 ♪ But all that a stranger would see ♪ 34 00:02:16,291 --> 00:02:18,959 ♪ Is one girl swaying alone ♪ 35 00:02:19,041 --> 00:02:21,125 ♪ Stroking her cheek ♪ 36 00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:25,875 ♪ They say, "You're a little much for me ♪ 37 00:02:25,959 --> 00:02:28,917 ♪ "You're a liability ♪ 38 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:33,291 ♪ You're a little much for me" ♪ 39 00:02:33,375 --> 00:02:36,834 ♪ So they pull back, make other plans ♪ 40 00:02:36,917 --> 00:02:41,625 ♪ I understand, I'm a liability ♪ 41 00:02:41,709 --> 00:02:44,792 ♪ Get you wild, make you leave ♪ 42 00:02:44,875 --> 00:02:51,458 ♪ I'm a little much for e-a-na-na-na, everyone ♪ 43 00:02:52,792 --> 00:02:57,208 ♪ The truth is, I am a toy that people enjoy ♪ 44 00:02:57,291 --> 00:03:02,000 ♪ Till all of the tricks don't work anymore ♪ 45 00:03:02,083 --> 00:03:05,000 ♪ And then they are bored of me ♪ 46 00:03:05,083 --> 00:03:08,125 ♪ I know that it's exciting running through the night ♪ 47 00:03:08,208 --> 00:03:11,291 ♪ But every perfect summer's eating me alive ♪ 48 00:03:11,375 --> 00:03:13,542 ♪ Until you're gone ♪ 49 00:03:14,750 --> 00:03:18,208 ♪ Better on my own ♪ 50 00:03:18,291 --> 00:03:23,166 ♪ They say, "You're a little much for me ♪ 51 00:03:23,250 --> 00:03:26,500 ♪ "You're a liability ♪ 52 00:03:26,583 --> 00:03:30,709 ♪ You're a little much for me" ♪ 53 00:03:30,792 --> 00:03:34,375 ♪ So they pull back, make other plans ♪ 54 00:03:34,458 --> 00:03:39,000 ♪ I understand, I'm a liability ♪ 55 00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:42,125 ♪ Get you wild, make you leave ♪ 56 00:03:42,208 --> 00:03:48,834 ♪ I'm a little much for e-a-na-na-na, everyone ♪ 57 00:03:50,291 --> 00:03:57,542 ♪ But they're gonna watch me disappear into the sun ♪ 58 00:03:57,625 --> 00:04:01,625 ♪ You're all gonna watch me disappear ♪ 59 00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:05,750 ♪ Into the sun ♪ 60 00:04:06,917 --> 00:04:09,625 Can we not talk about that? 61 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:11,959 Why? 62 00:04:14,667 --> 00:04:16,625 I don't know. 'Cause it was just like a, 63 00:04:16,709 --> 00:04:19,792 like a dumb, not-well-thought-out plan, 64 00:04:19,875 --> 00:04:23,709 and I was, like, drunk and reacting to shit. 65 00:04:25,583 --> 00:04:26,959 Reacting to what? 66 00:04:31,208 --> 00:04:33,083 Come on, I, I really... 67 00:04:33,166 --> 00:04:35,333 don't wanna talk about it. 68 00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:37,917 Okay. 69 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,208 What do you want to talk about? 70 00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:50,125 I think I want to go off my hormones. 71 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:54,709 Mm. Okay. 72 00:04:57,041 --> 00:05:00,208 Have you been thinking a lot about de-transitioning? 73 00:05:01,125 --> 00:05:02,500 No. 74 00:05:02,583 --> 00:05:04,709 Okay. Then what is it? 75 00:05:05,792 --> 00:05:07,667 I don't know. I've just been, like, 76 00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:10,875 thinking about what's next. 77 00:05:11,917 --> 00:05:13,542 In what sense? 78 00:05:14,375 --> 00:05:17,834 I mean... 79 00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:21,291 I don't know. I guess it's-- I guess it's interesting, 80 00:05:21,375 --> 00:05:24,041 'cause, like, before I ran away, 81 00:05:24,125 --> 00:05:29,208 uh, I had gone to the city to visit some old friends, and... 82 00:05:29,291 --> 00:05:32,834 we were having this exact conversation. 83 00:05:32,917 --> 00:05:34,417 And... 84 00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:37,583 Basically, um... 85 00:05:39,750 --> 00:05:42,625 I feel like I've framed 86 00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:47,667 my entire womanhood around men. 87 00:05:47,750 --> 00:05:49,792 When, like, in reality, 88 00:05:49,875 --> 00:05:51,959 I'm no longer interested in men. 89 00:05:53,583 --> 00:05:55,083 Like, philosophically. 90 00:05:55,166 --> 00:05:58,166 Like, like, what men want. 91 00:05:58,250 --> 00:06:02,250 Like, what men want is so boring. 92 00:06:02,333 --> 00:06:07,166 And simple, and not creative, and, like, uh... 93 00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:09,583 I just, like, I look at myself, and I'm like, 94 00:06:09,667 --> 00:06:13,041 how the fuck did I spend my entire life 95 00:06:13,125 --> 00:06:16,291 building this. Like... 96 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:19,834 Like, my body, and my personality, 97 00:06:19,917 --> 00:06:23,500 and, like, my soul around 98 00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:26,166 what I think men desire? 99 00:06:28,834 --> 00:06:30,500 It's just, like... 100 00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:32,291 it's embarrassing. 101 00:06:33,792 --> 00:06:37,125 I feel like a... a fraud. 102 00:06:40,041 --> 00:06:41,542 I feel like there's a lot to unpack 103 00:06:41,625 --> 00:06:43,166 within what you just said, okay, 104 00:06:43,250 --> 00:06:45,250 but the main thing I heard, 105 00:06:45,333 --> 00:06:47,667 is how hard you are on yourself. 106 00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:50,625 The amount of self-criticism you're experiencing, 107 00:06:50,709 --> 00:06:52,083 it's a lot. 108 00:06:53,208 --> 00:06:54,625 Yeah. 109 00:06:55,542 --> 00:06:58,250 But I, I think it's necessary. 110 00:06:58,333 --> 00:06:59,959 Are you sure? 111 00:07:01,291 --> 00:07:03,792 I mean, I hope so. 112 00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,417 Or else, 113 00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:09,375 then I'm really fucking crazy. 114 00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:13,625 You're not crazy, Jules. 115 00:07:13,709 --> 00:07:17,333 You're just a lot harder on yourself than you probably should be. 116 00:07:19,875 --> 00:07:22,041 Yeah. 117 00:07:22,125 --> 00:07:24,208 Acknowledging that's important. 118 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,625 Yeah, but, but also, like, what I'm saying is true. 119 00:07:29,709 --> 00:07:34,834 Like, without the self-criticism, I'd be lost. 120 00:07:35,792 --> 00:07:37,375 Or free. 121 00:07:39,166 --> 00:07:41,375 Both can be scary feelings. 122 00:07:45,250 --> 00:07:48,250 You really feel like your entire existence, 123 00:07:48,333 --> 00:07:51,875 physically and emotionally, is, is that reactive? 124 00:07:52,792 --> 00:07:54,083 What do you mean? 125 00:07:54,166 --> 00:07:56,875 That I'm not looking or talking to Jules? 126 00:07:56,959 --> 00:08:01,208 I'm looking at an avatar she created in reaction to the world? 127 00:08:01,291 --> 00:08:04,917 Yeah. Yeah. I'm here. You know. 128 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:09,208 But you're looking at, like, a million layers of other people 129 00:08:09,291 --> 00:08:10,917 that I've grabbed and clung to 130 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,458 throughout my entire life. 131 00:08:13,542 --> 00:08:16,208 That's, like, that's terrifying. 132 00:08:16,291 --> 00:08:17,834 It-- I mean, that's why I think 133 00:08:17,917 --> 00:08:21,291 when I was talking to my friend about this, or... 134 00:08:22,125 --> 00:08:23,250 Or... 135 00:08:23,333 --> 00:08:26,250 Well, I don't, I don't know. I guess this is, like, 136 00:08:26,333 --> 00:08:27,917 this is our first session. 137 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,291 I don't want to get into all, like, the childhood bullshit, 138 00:08:31,375 --> 00:08:33,667 'cause it's a lot. 139 00:08:33,750 --> 00:08:35,750 It's exhausting. 140 00:08:35,834 --> 00:08:39,458 But when I was having this conversation with my friend, 141 00:08:39,542 --> 00:08:41,834 we were talking about how, 142 00:08:41,917 --> 00:08:43,750 I feel like 143 00:08:43,834 --> 00:08:49,959 my entire life, I've been trying to conquer femininity, 144 00:08:50,041 --> 00:08:54,375 and somewhere along the way, 145 00:08:54,458 --> 00:08:57,000 I feel like femininity 146 00:08:57,083 --> 00:08:58,917 conquered me. 147 00:09:09,375 --> 00:09:10,792 What? 148 00:09:11,959 --> 00:09:13,625 What was that thought? 149 00:09:14,709 --> 00:09:16,041 Well... 150 00:09:18,709 --> 00:09:20,083 Like... 151 00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:22,709 Most girls, when you first talk to them, 152 00:09:22,792 --> 00:09:27,875 they, like, automatically analyze and compare themselves to you. 153 00:09:27,959 --> 00:09:30,208 And then, you know, they, they search for where you fit 154 00:09:30,291 --> 00:09:31,792 in their hierarchy, 155 00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:36,041 and then they treat you accordingly. 156 00:09:36,125 --> 00:09:37,709 What hierarchy? 157 00:09:37,792 --> 00:09:43,166 Like, how close you are to what they all collectively want to be. 158 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,125 Like, in their heads. 159 00:09:45,792 --> 00:09:47,542 Right. 160 00:09:47,625 --> 00:09:50,083 And, you know, even if they've, like, mastered 161 00:09:50,166 --> 00:09:54,083 the art of hiding it with, like, smiles and nods, 162 00:09:54,166 --> 00:09:56,083 and small talk, it's, like, 163 00:09:56,166 --> 00:09:58,417 you'd still catch them doing it. 164 00:09:58,500 --> 00:10:01,792 Like, like their eyes wandering over your face, or... 165 00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:05,834 or, you know, the quick takes up and down your body. 166 00:10:05,917 --> 00:10:09,625 Or like, they watch how your clothes hang off your torso, 167 00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:13,583 or, like, they look for what tags are on your clothes 168 00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:17,917 to see where you shop, or they'll watch your hands to find, like, 169 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:22,166 fucked-up cuticles or chipped nail polish. 170 00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:25,792 Honestly, it would, 171 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,792 it would be a kind of sensual experience 172 00:10:27,875 --> 00:10:31,041 if it wasn't so fucking terrifying. 173 00:10:33,417 --> 00:10:35,709 So they want to find flaws. 174 00:10:37,208 --> 00:10:39,875 Yeah. Uh, most girls. 175 00:10:40,542 --> 00:10:42,375 But not Rue. 176 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,750 Mm-mm. 177 00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:53,083 What's the first thing that comes to mind? 178 00:11:06,125 --> 00:11:09,750 No girl had ever looked at me the way Rue did. 179 00:11:17,959 --> 00:11:19,458 Hi. 180 00:11:22,583 --> 00:11:26,291 I just, I feel like Rue was the first girl 181 00:11:26,375 --> 00:11:29,625 that didn't just look at me. 182 00:11:30,959 --> 00:11:34,291 Like, she actually saw me. 183 00:11:34,375 --> 00:11:37,166 Uh, I mean, not to say that in, like, a cheesy way, 184 00:11:37,250 --> 00:11:39,583 'cause it sounds cheesy, right? Like... 185 00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:42,417 Honestly, it sounds like a relief. 186 00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:46,417 Yeah. It... 187 00:11:47,542 --> 00:11:50,125 But, I mean, like, when I say me, 188 00:11:50,208 --> 00:11:53,458 I mean, I mean the me that I was talking about earlier. Like... 189 00:11:53,542 --> 00:11:58,333 The me that's underneath a million layers of not me. 190 00:12:00,041 --> 00:12:02,792 I can't imagine how that must have felt. 191 00:12:04,083 --> 00:12:05,417 Yeah. 192 00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:08,792 Yeah, it felt good. 193 00:12:17,125 --> 00:12:19,917 Kind of reminds me of how a mom would see you. 194 00:12:21,583 --> 00:12:23,959 Keep going with that thought. 195 00:12:24,041 --> 00:12:25,709 Well, just like, 196 00:12:25,792 --> 00:12:29,417 how a mom sees you before you're anything. 197 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:33,583 And, like, loves you just for that. 198 00:12:33,667 --> 00:12:37,000 And all you have to do is just, like, sit there and exist. 199 00:12:38,083 --> 00:12:40,291 Is that how your mom saw you? 200 00:12:43,917 --> 00:12:48,166 I, I don't know. I mean, like, the time we're talking about is 201 00:12:48,250 --> 00:12:51,083 before you can remember anything. So... 202 00:12:51,166 --> 00:12:52,542 I don't know. 203 00:12:52,625 --> 00:12:55,291 Is that how you imagine your mom saw you? 204 00:13:01,458 --> 00:13:03,208 I hope so. 205 00:13:20,625 --> 00:13:22,667 Um, I take that back. 206 00:13:22,750 --> 00:13:25,166 Uh, I don't wanna talk about my mom. 207 00:13:25,250 --> 00:13:27,834 I promise you, I have no agenda. 208 00:13:27,917 --> 00:13:30,709 We can talk about whatever it is you wanna talk about. 209 00:13:30,792 --> 00:13:32,583 I mean, uh... 210 00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:36,709 Yeah. Uh, I think I really wanna go off my hormones. 211 00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:40,000 Okay. 212 00:13:40,083 --> 00:13:43,500 Or... Well, not like everything. 213 00:13:43,583 --> 00:13:45,750 Probably just my blockers. 214 00:13:45,834 --> 00:13:51,417 I have, like, this weird sci-fi chip implant in my arm. 215 00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:53,792 -Supprelin? -Yeah, and it, like, 216 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,667 stops my voice from dropping. 217 00:13:56,750 --> 00:14:00,000 Um, my balls from getting bigger, you know? 218 00:14:00,083 --> 00:14:03,417 The kind of shit that men wouldn't find desirable. 219 00:14:08,667 --> 00:14:10,834 I don't know. Uh... 220 00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:14,208 I've always thought of puberty 221 00:14:14,291 --> 00:14:16,792 as, like, a broadening, 222 00:14:16,875 --> 00:14:20,709 or a deepening, or like, a, a thickening. 223 00:14:20,792 --> 00:14:24,333 Which I, I think is, like, why I was always so scared of it, you know? 224 00:14:24,417 --> 00:14:27,041 'Cause in my head, women were always, like, 225 00:14:27,125 --> 00:14:31,667 small and thin and delicate, and... 226 00:14:31,750 --> 00:14:36,208 You know, so, like, the thought of puberty, like this... 227 00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:38,125 irreversible, forever 228 00:14:38,208 --> 00:14:42,583 fucking metamorphosis was just, like, fucking terrifying. 229 00:14:42,667 --> 00:14:45,083 And, you know, that, like, when it happened, 230 00:14:45,166 --> 00:14:47,208 I'd just, like, end up on the other side. 231 00:14:47,291 --> 00:14:49,208 Like, stuck. 232 00:14:49,291 --> 00:14:53,083 Or even worse, just, like, a man. 233 00:14:53,166 --> 00:14:55,000 Like, like, through and through. 234 00:14:55,083 --> 00:14:58,417 And then femininity would always be this just, like, 235 00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:02,583 this, like, elusive, distant thing, you know? 236 00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:05,500 Like, unreachable. 237 00:15:05,583 --> 00:15:07,458 But, uh, but then, 238 00:15:07,542 --> 00:15:10,208 I think about beautiful things 239 00:15:10,291 --> 00:15:14,083 that are also broad and deep, 240 00:15:14,166 --> 00:15:18,792 and thick, and I think of... 241 00:15:18,875 --> 00:15:21,750 something like the ocean. 242 00:15:26,667 --> 00:15:28,542 I think, like... 243 00:15:29,959 --> 00:15:34,458 that I want to be as beautiful as the ocean. 244 00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:37,000 'Cause the ocean's strong as fuck. 245 00:15:37,083 --> 00:15:38,583 And feminine as fuck. 246 00:15:38,667 --> 00:15:41,667 And, like, both are what makes the ocean the ocean. 247 00:15:43,041 --> 00:15:46,041 My grandmother used to live by the ocean. 248 00:15:47,834 --> 00:15:50,458 And, uh, when we'd go visit, 249 00:15:50,542 --> 00:15:52,917 we'd go down to the beach. 250 00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:58,000 And, uh, I'd close my eyes... 251 00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:03,291 And I'd just swim, and swim. 252 00:16:03,375 --> 00:16:07,166 And it didn't matter, like, where I was going, 253 00:16:07,250 --> 00:16:09,375 or what could happen. 254 00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:13,375 Sometimes I'd pray to the ocean. 255 00:16:23,709 --> 00:16:28,250 At least for me, being trans is spiritual. 256 00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:29,750 You know, it's not religious. 257 00:16:29,834 --> 00:16:32,625 It's not, like, for some congregation. 258 00:16:32,709 --> 00:16:35,709 It's for me. It's mine. It belongs to me. 259 00:16:37,041 --> 00:16:39,917 And I don't ever want to stand still. 260 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:44,959 Like, I want to be alive. 261 00:16:45,041 --> 00:16:48,417 I mean, that's what this has always been about, is, like... 262 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,083 staying alive. 263 00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:04,792 The only problem is, um... 264 00:17:05,917 --> 00:17:08,917 I might have lost Rue along the way. 265 00:17:10,417 --> 00:17:11,875 What do you mean? 266 00:17:11,959 --> 00:17:14,500 Just that, like, I've, I've called her a bunch of times, 267 00:17:14,583 --> 00:17:19,333 and, um, she hasn't picked up, and... 268 00:17:19,417 --> 00:17:23,000 Like, I think I-- I think I really fucked up. 269 00:17:24,667 --> 00:17:26,458 But, like, I was panicking. 270 00:17:26,542 --> 00:17:28,834 Like, I was really panicking. 271 00:17:34,083 --> 00:17:37,625 Without, like, getting melodramatic... 272 00:17:48,166 --> 00:17:50,750 I've had a really hard six months. 273 00:17:54,291 --> 00:17:57,792 Like, moving here has been really hard. 274 00:17:59,417 --> 00:18:02,542 And, like, I don't know. Just kind of... 275 00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:07,375 A bunch of shit all happened at once. And... 276 00:18:07,458 --> 00:18:09,458 like, I just freaked out. 277 00:18:09,542 --> 00:18:11,625 Like, I panicked, and I felt like if I, 278 00:18:11,709 --> 00:18:14,834 if I didn't get out, I was gonna fucking die. 279 00:18:17,333 --> 00:18:18,709 How? 280 00:18:24,041 --> 00:18:29,166 Mm, it's maybe, like, a little hard for me to talk about right now. 281 00:18:30,667 --> 00:18:33,166 Were you thinking about hurting yourself? 282 00:18:42,333 --> 00:18:43,875 I mean, um, 283 00:18:43,959 --> 00:18:46,417 there's a difference between 284 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:48,291 thinking about hurting yourself, 285 00:18:48,375 --> 00:18:50,000 and, uh, wa... 286 00:18:50,083 --> 00:18:52,166 wanting to hurt yourself. But... 287 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,250 I think that gap was closing. 288 00:19:13,834 --> 00:19:15,542 So, I ran. 289 00:19:21,875 --> 00:19:25,125 And I left someone, like, I really love, behind. 290 00:19:37,750 --> 00:19:42,875 Sorry. Um, I don't know why I'm crying. 291 00:19:42,959 --> 00:19:44,208 Uh... 292 00:19:44,291 --> 00:19:46,458 'Cause it hurts. 293 00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:52,583 Yeah. Um... 294 00:20:16,625 --> 00:20:18,875 Damn. 295 00:20:18,959 --> 00:20:21,208 Like, at the same time, though, 296 00:20:21,291 --> 00:20:23,166 I'm, like, really angry at Rue. 297 00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:28,083 I feel like... 298 00:20:28,166 --> 00:20:30,291 her sobriety is, like, 299 00:20:30,375 --> 00:20:34,291 completely dependent on how available I am to her. 300 00:20:35,333 --> 00:20:37,333 You know? Like, 301 00:20:37,417 --> 00:20:38,875 she'd ask me to sleep over, 302 00:20:38,959 --> 00:20:41,875 and I'd say no for, like, whatever reason, 303 00:20:41,959 --> 00:20:45,083 because it was a fucking weekday, or something. 304 00:20:45,166 --> 00:20:47,583 And... 305 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,792 I'd just, I'd feel, like, this weight. 306 00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:55,875 Like, this massive weight on my shoulders, 307 00:20:55,959 --> 00:20:57,625 and I'd think, like... 308 00:20:58,959 --> 00:21:02,041 Like, what if she relapses, you know? 309 00:21:04,333 --> 00:21:07,959 Like, what if she relapses 'cause I'm not there? 310 00:21:09,834 --> 00:21:16,583 ♪ Dime si me echas de menos aún ♪ 311 00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:19,291 But I guess it goes both ways, because... 312 00:21:19,375 --> 00:21:20,542 you know... 313 00:21:20,625 --> 00:21:26,250 ♪ Dime si no me perdonas aún ♪ 314 00:21:26,333 --> 00:21:28,959 I fell completely in love with her. 315 00:21:30,667 --> 00:21:35,291 ♪ Que harás con todo este veneno ♪ 316 00:21:35,375 --> 00:21:38,000 ♪ Nada bueno ♪ 317 00:21:41,208 --> 00:21:47,083 ♪ Dime si me echas de menos aún ♪ 318 00:21:51,375 --> 00:21:53,000 ♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪ 319 00:21:53,083 --> 00:21:55,166 ♪ Can you let it go? ♪ 320 00:21:55,250 --> 00:21:56,792 ♪ Can you let it go? ♪ 321 00:21:56,875 --> 00:21:58,500 ♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪ 322 00:21:58,583 --> 00:22:00,333 ♪ Can you let it go? ♪ 323 00:22:00,417 --> 00:22:03,333 ♪ Lo vas a olvidar, lo vas a olvidar ♪ 324 00:22:03,417 --> 00:22:06,709 ♪ Can you let it go? Can you let it go? ♪ 325 00:22:06,792 --> 00:22:08,750 ♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪ 326 00:22:08,834 --> 00:22:10,959 ♪ Can you let it go? ♪ 327 00:22:11,041 --> 00:22:13,083 ♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪ 328 00:22:13,166 --> 00:22:14,542 That was it! 329 00:22:14,625 --> 00:22:16,083 Oh, God. 330 00:22:16,166 --> 00:22:18,583 Yay! You did it! 331 00:22:18,667 --> 00:22:20,625 -Thank you. -Mmm... 332 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:29,250 ♪ Dime que no te arrepientes aún ♪ 333 00:22:29,333 --> 00:22:31,667 I talked to your mom today. 334 00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:33,792 She moved out of the halfway house. 335 00:22:33,875 --> 00:22:36,208 She's been clean for nine months. 336 00:22:37,417 --> 00:22:38,792 Don't do that. 337 00:22:38,875 --> 00:22:41,125 Please. Don't roll your eyes. 338 00:22:41,208 --> 00:22:43,208 -Come on. It's Mom. -Yeah. 339 00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,000 You can be angry with her, 340 00:22:45,083 --> 00:22:46,458 and I understand that, 341 00:22:46,542 --> 00:22:49,291 but you can't just dismiss the good. 342 00:22:49,375 --> 00:22:51,417 Well, I'm allowed to be skeptical. 343 00:22:54,208 --> 00:23:00,291 ♪ Dame un beso y bajame de la cruz ♪ 344 00:23:02,041 --> 00:23:04,625 She did say she wanted to see you. 345 00:23:06,417 --> 00:23:08,208 ♪ Can you let it go? ♪ 346 00:23:08,291 --> 00:23:09,875 I knew it. 347 00:23:09,959 --> 00:23:11,458 I knew this was not just gonna be, like, 348 00:23:11,542 --> 00:23:15,667 some conversation about how well Mom is doing. 349 00:23:15,750 --> 00:23:19,083 Um, you can tell her, "No, thank you." 350 00:23:19,166 --> 00:23:20,250 ♪ Can you let it go? ♪ 351 00:23:20,333 --> 00:23:21,583 ♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪ 352 00:23:21,667 --> 00:23:23,959 -Okay. 353 00:23:24,041 --> 00:23:25,625 ♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪ 354 00:23:27,208 --> 00:23:29,208 I was afraid to talk to Rue 355 00:23:29,291 --> 00:23:30,959 about, like, shit that was going on with my mom, 356 00:23:31,041 --> 00:23:34,709 because she'd think that I felt the same way about her 357 00:23:34,792 --> 00:23:36,917 that, like, I do my mom. 358 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,834 Well, don't you? 359 00:23:39,667 --> 00:23:42,667 What? 360 00:23:42,750 --> 00:23:45,834 Don't you feel the same way about Rue as you do your mom? 361 00:23:47,041 --> 00:23:49,417 -No. -You just said you were angry at Rue 362 00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:52,583 for the imbalance she created in your relationship. 363 00:23:52,667 --> 00:23:56,709 So, would it be fair to say that you resented that imbalance? 364 00:23:56,792 --> 00:23:59,625 That the same person who saw you, who truly saw you, 365 00:23:59,709 --> 00:24:02,000 in the same way that your mom did when you were a baby, 366 00:24:02,083 --> 00:24:05,625 was also incapable of seeing how her additions affected you. 367 00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:09,834 I mean, uh, I guess I've, like, 368 00:24:09,917 --> 00:24:13,083 never thought about it that way before. Um... 369 00:24:13,166 --> 00:24:14,875 ♪ If I wasn't important ♪ 370 00:24:14,959 --> 00:24:16,875 ♪ Then why would you waste all your poison ♪ 371 00:24:16,959 --> 00:24:19,667 Mom. Mom! 372 00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:21,083 For-- Stop. 373 00:24:21,166 --> 00:24:24,959 I told you. I'm-- I have a meeting and then I'll be home. 374 00:24:25,041 --> 00:24:27,250 Yes. I'm fine. 375 00:24:28,333 --> 00:24:30,333 I'm literally fine. 376 00:24:31,417 --> 00:24:32,625 Okay. 377 00:24:32,709 --> 00:24:35,333 Okay, I'll text you when I'm on my way. 378 00:24:35,417 --> 00:24:36,750 Love you. 379 00:24:36,834 --> 00:24:39,291 I feel like real life is always such a letdown. 380 00:24:39,375 --> 00:24:42,959 What do you mean? -I don't know. It's just, like-- 381 00:24:43,041 --> 00:24:46,542 easier to talk to people online. 382 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:51,458 You can be more open, and honest, 383 00:24:51,542 --> 00:24:54,500 and, like, vulnerable. 384 00:25:22,208 --> 00:25:24,834 Some of the most profound relationships I've ever had 385 00:25:24,917 --> 00:25:26,583 have been with people I've never met. 386 00:25:32,166 --> 00:25:34,750 I should have known I was setting myself up. 387 00:25:37,375 --> 00:25:39,583 Or maybe I did know. 388 00:25:42,291 --> 00:25:45,792 Maybe that's, like, what I'm actually attracted to. 389 00:25:48,083 --> 00:25:50,375 Maybe that's, like, the appeal. 390 00:25:56,417 --> 00:25:57,834 The letdown. 391 00:26:01,792 --> 00:26:04,750 The fact that, like, none of it's real. 392 00:26:11,166 --> 00:26:13,041 And it's all a fantasy. 393 00:26:55,542 --> 00:26:57,959 You've never even seen his face. 394 00:26:59,500 --> 00:27:01,417 I don't have to. 395 00:27:01,500 --> 00:27:03,709 I've gotten to know him, like, really well. 396 00:27:04,834 --> 00:27:06,041 Sure. 397 00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:08,583 I have. 398 00:27:08,667 --> 00:27:11,709 Like, better than anyone else. 399 00:27:11,792 --> 00:27:13,667 Other than you. 400 00:27:16,250 --> 00:27:18,250 Except he could be lying. 401 00:27:19,208 --> 00:27:21,250 Rue, anyone could be lying. 402 00:27:24,959 --> 00:27:28,458 Trust me, Rue. It's not in my head. 403 00:27:28,542 --> 00:27:31,583 I think you two would actually really get along. 404 00:27:31,667 --> 00:27:32,875 Hmmph. 405 00:27:32,959 --> 00:27:36,166 I fall in love so easily. 406 00:27:36,250 --> 00:27:39,041 I really do. It's, like, almost embarrassing. 407 00:27:40,625 --> 00:27:42,542 Why do you think that is? 408 00:27:45,375 --> 00:27:50,709 Because half of every relationship is in my head. 409 00:28:13,583 --> 00:28:15,250 Rue What? 410 00:28:16,083 --> 00:28:17,917 Just happy I met you. 411 00:28:23,875 --> 00:28:25,375 Me, too. 412 00:28:32,834 --> 00:28:34,250 Wait, Rue. 413 00:28:34,333 --> 00:28:36,458 You've been clean for, like, two weeks. 414 00:28:37,709 --> 00:28:40,333 Rue! No fucking way! 415 00:28:40,417 --> 00:28:43,083 Mm! Mm! Mm! 416 00:28:44,333 --> 00:28:46,500 I'm so proud of you! 417 00:28:55,041 --> 00:28:58,125 There were so many times I wanted to kiss her. 418 00:29:31,667 --> 00:29:33,333 But I, I didn't. 419 00:29:33,417 --> 00:29:37,542 -Um, I'm gonna go get a glass of water. -Oh. Okay. 420 00:29:42,875 --> 00:29:45,458 I hate everyone else in the world but you. 421 00:29:46,583 --> 00:29:48,667 And when she finally did... 422 00:29:52,417 --> 00:29:55,458 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should go. 423 00:29:59,542 --> 00:30:01,959 I froze. 424 00:30:02,041 --> 00:30:04,041 Why do you think that is? 425 00:30:05,208 --> 00:30:08,041 'Cause I had never kissed a girl before. 426 00:30:11,125 --> 00:30:14,875 I'd never even, like, been that close to a girl before. 427 00:30:16,750 --> 00:30:18,291 So when it happened, 428 00:30:18,375 --> 00:30:20,709 the only thought I had was, like, 429 00:30:20,792 --> 00:30:23,000 don't lose her. 430 00:30:23,083 --> 00:30:25,291 Um, hey, uh, 431 00:30:25,375 --> 00:30:28,208 I was just hoping we could talk about what happened earlier, 432 00:30:28,291 --> 00:30:30,959 'cause, like, I know I was really weird, and, um, 433 00:30:31,041 --> 00:30:33,959 I didn't, like, mean it that way or anything. 434 00:30:34,041 --> 00:30:37,667 Um, so, yeah, uh, just-- 435 00:30:37,750 --> 00:30:41,166 I just wanna talk to you. Please call me back. 436 00:30:41,250 --> 00:30:42,542 Bye. 437 00:30:47,917 --> 00:30:50,250 Why did you think you would lose her? 438 00:30:51,166 --> 00:30:52,625 Because, like... 439 00:30:53,917 --> 00:30:56,625 How could it be possible that Rue loved me 440 00:30:56,709 --> 00:30:58,750 as much as I loved her? 441 00:31:06,250 --> 00:31:08,166 I think the better question is 442 00:31:08,250 --> 00:31:11,417 why would you think that would be impossible? 443 00:31:36,458 --> 00:31:38,959 I can't tell you how many times 444 00:31:39,041 --> 00:31:42,375 we'd just be, like, texting and texting. 445 00:31:42,458 --> 00:31:46,709 And the next thing I know, it would be, like, four in the morning, 446 00:31:46,792 --> 00:31:50,458 and I hadn't slept, and I didn't want to. 447 00:31:52,709 --> 00:31:55,333 Like, I'd never tell her this, but... 448 00:31:55,417 --> 00:31:58,792 I feel like I got to know him better than I knew Rue. 449 00:32:03,208 --> 00:32:05,667 We used to sext forever. 450 00:32:07,125 --> 00:32:10,333 Like, about anything and everything. 451 00:32:12,333 --> 00:32:16,875 I know it might, like, sound a little weird, but... 452 00:32:16,959 --> 00:32:21,166 It was, like, genuinely the best sex I've ever had. 453 00:32:23,250 --> 00:32:25,500 What made it so fulfilling? 454 00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:34,667 It was just pure fucking imagination. 455 00:32:53,417 --> 00:32:55,875 All day I've been thinking about you. 456 00:33:01,500 --> 00:33:03,709 Dreaming about you. 457 00:33:06,917 --> 00:33:09,834 And all the things I want to do to you. 458 00:33:28,375 --> 00:33:31,208 I wish I could see your face... 459 00:33:34,250 --> 00:33:36,959 and all the colors in your eyes. 460 00:33:42,166 --> 00:33:44,917 Would you blush if I told you I loved you? 461 00:33:54,417 --> 00:33:57,250 Tyler I'm gonna fuck you until you're soaking wet. 462 00:34:26,458 --> 00:34:27,667 Tyler? 463 00:34:29,959 --> 00:34:31,959 Why are there no photos of us? 464 00:34:42,917 --> 00:34:46,500 Because whoever I was talking to didn't exist. 465 00:34:58,917 --> 00:35:00,208 Tyler? 466 00:35:02,041 --> 00:35:05,000 Jules, it's okay. 467 00:35:05,083 --> 00:35:06,625 Come here. 468 00:35:09,417 --> 00:35:12,166 How could none of it have been real? 469 00:35:17,375 --> 00:35:19,500 It felt so real. 470 00:35:24,834 --> 00:35:27,000 I wish I never met him. 471 00:35:31,375 --> 00:35:33,875 I'm still in love with Tyler. 472 00:35:36,291 --> 00:35:39,291 And I don't know when that's gonna change. 473 00:36:32,583 --> 00:36:35,083 Rue... 474 00:37:13,959 --> 00:37:15,375 -Don't look at my face. 475 00:37:23,208 --> 00:37:33,709 Rue. 476 00:37:33,792 --> 00:37:35,667 Guess what? 477 00:37:35,750 --> 00:37:37,166 Rue! 478 00:37:40,667 --> 00:37:42,000 Rue? 479 00:37:49,333 --> 00:37:50,500 Rue! 480 00:37:50,583 --> 00:37:53,834 Maybe it's 'cause of, like, everything with my mom. 481 00:37:53,917 --> 00:37:56,250 But I just had this, like, 482 00:37:56,333 --> 00:37:59,333 really bad nightmare about... 483 00:37:59,417 --> 00:38:02,041 living in New York City with Rue. 484 00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:06,959 When I got home, uh... 485 00:38:07,041 --> 00:38:09,625 she was in the bathroom. 486 00:38:09,709 --> 00:38:12,458 -Rue? 487 00:38:12,542 --> 00:38:15,000 Can you please answer me? 488 00:38:15,083 --> 00:38:18,000 But, like, she had locked it from the inside. 489 00:38:19,917 --> 00:38:21,834 Rue, please! 490 00:38:26,542 --> 00:38:28,750 Rue, open the door! 491 00:38:31,208 --> 00:38:32,458 Then, like, 492 00:38:32,542 --> 00:38:34,667 by the time I opened the door... 493 00:38:42,041 --> 00:38:44,875 I can't, like, say it out loud. 494 00:38:44,959 --> 00:38:47,959 Rue! Rue! 495 00:38:48,041 --> 00:38:50,000 -Rue! 496 00:38:50,083 --> 00:38:52,500 Come on-- 497 00:38:56,083 --> 00:38:57,417 Rue! 498 00:39:00,583 --> 00:39:02,458 Rue! Open the-- 499 00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:08,917 Don't fucking do this to me! 500 00:39:18,875 --> 00:39:20,417 Hi, Jules. 501 00:39:21,041 --> 00:39:22,500 Hey. 502 00:39:22,583 --> 00:39:24,250 You look really pretty. 503 00:39:25,542 --> 00:39:27,291 I wanted to say hi, and-- 504 00:39:33,917 --> 00:39:35,750 It's okay. Hang tight. 505 00:39:51,959 --> 00:39:55,166 How could you just, like, fucking ambush me like that? 506 00:39:56,291 --> 00:39:58,500 How could you fucking do this to me? 507 00:39:58,583 --> 00:40:01,375 Like, why didn't we talk about this? 508 00:40:01,458 --> 00:40:04,000 Because I knew that you wouldn't give her a chance. 509 00:40:04,625 --> 00:40:05,875 Yeah. 510 00:40:05,959 --> 00:40:08,041 Yeah, there's a reason. 511 00:40:08,125 --> 00:40:10,500 Like, I can't handle this right now. 512 00:40:10,583 --> 00:40:15,000 I wouldn't have done this if I didn't think you could handle it. 513 00:40:15,083 --> 00:40:19,542 What? So, like, it's for my own good? 514 00:40:19,625 --> 00:40:22,500 Jules, she's been clean. She's doing really well. 515 00:40:22,583 --> 00:40:24,875 All she wants as part of her recovery 516 00:40:24,959 --> 00:40:26,709 is to make amends. 517 00:40:27,959 --> 00:40:29,291 Wait, what? 518 00:40:30,667 --> 00:40:32,792 She wants to apologize. 519 00:40:34,959 --> 00:40:37,041 You have to be fucking kidding me. 520 00:40:38,542 --> 00:40:41,000 She wants my forgiveness? 521 00:40:42,041 --> 00:40:43,709 My forgiveness? 522 00:40:43,792 --> 00:40:46,166 So that, what, she doesn't, like, fucking 523 00:40:46,250 --> 00:40:48,500 drink herself to death because she's so guilty? 524 00:40:48,583 --> 00:40:51,041 Don't be fucking cruel! 525 00:40:52,875 --> 00:40:55,208 I don't care! Yeah. You do. 526 00:40:55,291 --> 00:40:59,125 I swear to God, Dad, I don't fucking care! 527 00:41:06,750 --> 00:41:08,291 Okay. Fine. 528 00:41:08,375 --> 00:41:10,375 If you really don't care, 529 00:41:10,458 --> 00:41:13,125 and this really means nothing to you, 530 00:41:13,208 --> 00:41:15,959 then just go downstairs 531 00:41:16,041 --> 00:41:18,041 and let her apologize. 532 00:41:22,917 --> 00:41:24,709 Even if it's not real? 533 00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:28,834 Even if it's not real. 534 00:41:33,417 --> 00:41:34,625 Okay. 535 00:41:34,709 --> 00:41:36,291 Okay. Fine. 536 00:42:19,834 --> 00:42:21,125 Jules. 537 00:42:28,792 --> 00:42:30,583 It was a week later. 538 00:42:30,667 --> 00:42:32,333 On Halloween. 539 00:42:33,125 --> 00:42:35,125 Uh, well, yeah. 540 00:42:36,208 --> 00:42:38,333 How long was she missing for? 541 00:42:39,792 --> 00:42:44,125 Jesus Christ. And, and you found bottles in the room? 542 00:42:45,458 --> 00:42:47,166 Oh, God... 543 00:42:48,959 --> 00:42:51,709 How, how long does the hospital want to keep her? 544 00:42:56,792 --> 00:42:58,625 Jules... 545 00:42:58,709 --> 00:43:01,041 -Uh, that's Rue. 546 00:43:01,125 --> 00:43:03,083 Hey. Jules. 547 00:43:04,834 --> 00:43:07,208 Jules, open up. 548 00:43:07,291 --> 00:43:08,667 You gotta come home, Jules. 549 00:43:08,750 --> 00:43:10,333 I can't come back. 550 00:43:10,417 --> 00:43:13,375 You're 17, you know. You cannot live alone. 551 00:43:13,458 --> 00:43:16,375 This is not real life, Jules! 552 00:43:16,458 --> 00:43:19,083 I can't, I can't go back to East Highland. 553 00:43:19,166 --> 00:43:22,208 Open the door. 554 00:43:22,291 --> 00:43:23,583 You're coming home. 555 00:43:23,667 --> 00:43:25,458 I'm not leaving here without you! 556 00:43:26,166 --> 00:43:27,750 I don't belong there. 557 00:43:27,834 --> 00:43:30,458 -Jules, I'm begging you. 558 00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:35,500 Open the door! 559 00:44:05,709 --> 00:44:08,583 Okay, well, that's all the time we have for this week. 560 00:44:08,667 --> 00:44:12,125 Sorry if that was a lot. 561 00:44:12,208 --> 00:44:15,041 I'm the one person you never have to apologize to. 562 00:44:16,709 --> 00:44:18,125 Thanks. 563 00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:20,041 I know this is our first session, 564 00:44:20,125 --> 00:44:22,458 and I know you didn't want to come, but I'm glad you did. 565 00:44:22,542 --> 00:44:24,208 I hope you are, too. 566 00:44:26,208 --> 00:44:30,250 Okay, so, just be patient with yourself. 567 00:44:32,291 --> 00:44:34,083 And have a wonderful New Year. 568 00:44:35,166 --> 00:44:37,333 Merry Christmas. 569 00:44:37,417 --> 00:44:38,875 I'm Jewish. 570 00:44:38,959 --> 00:44:41,500 Oh, uh, sorry. 571 00:44:41,583 --> 00:44:43,000 Don't be. 572 00:44:43,083 --> 00:44:45,125 It's a way better holiday. 573 00:44:47,959 --> 00:44:49,417 Okay. 574 00:44:50,417 --> 00:44:54,041 ♪ So take me home ♪ 575 00:44:54,125 --> 00:44:56,417 ♪ Love me low ♪ 576 00:44:59,792 --> 00:45:02,291 Jules? -Rue? 577 00:45:04,083 --> 00:45:08,083 ♪ And I just want to be with ♪ 578 00:45:08,750 --> 00:45:10,041 Hi. 579 00:45:11,125 --> 00:45:13,542 -♪ I love you ♪ 580 00:45:13,625 --> 00:45:18,834 ♪ You don't even know I'm gonna miss you ♪ 581 00:45:18,917 --> 00:45:20,291 I, um... 582 00:45:21,542 --> 00:45:23,709 Uh, I was just... 583 00:45:23,792 --> 00:45:25,875 riding my bike, um, 584 00:45:25,959 --> 00:45:27,041 to go meet Ali, 585 00:45:27,125 --> 00:45:29,417 and I passed your house. 586 00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:32,709 And I... 587 00:45:32,792 --> 00:45:36,125 I don't know. I-- It's Christmastime, so... 588 00:45:37,375 --> 00:45:41,834 I just... Your, your dad let me in. 589 00:45:41,917 --> 00:45:45,500 Uh, uh, yeah. He's really mad at me. 590 00:45:45,583 --> 00:45:49,208 Um, I'm grounded. 591 00:45:49,291 --> 00:45:52,333 And, uh, in therapy. So, um... 592 00:45:54,166 --> 00:45:56,083 Uh... 593 00:45:59,625 --> 00:46:01,291 I really missed you. 594 00:46:06,667 --> 00:46:08,458 Missed you, too. 595 00:46:10,583 --> 00:46:12,000 Um... 596 00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:17,417 Um, and I'm really sorry about, like, 597 00:46:17,500 --> 00:46:20,542 everything that happened at the train station, 598 00:46:20,625 --> 00:46:22,792 and leaving and stuff. Um... 599 00:46:27,417 --> 00:46:29,166 It was really fucking stupid. 600 00:46:29,250 --> 00:46:31,417 Ah, fuck. I don't know why I'm crying. 601 00:46:31,500 --> 00:46:36,208 I just get really emotional during the holidays, that's all. 602 00:46:36,291 --> 00:46:39,625 -It's okay. Um... Um... 603 00:46:39,709 --> 00:46:42,583 Yeah, Merry Christmas, Jules.